Healthy Habits and Me

Let me start out by saying that I’m a peer leader for chronic pain and chronic disease self management. I know a thing or two about healthy habits. And yet here I am, still in bed hiding from the storm, with half a pizza beside me.

Yeah.

Do as I say, not as I do.

I understand the way to change habits, but I’ve been so sick this year that I’ve really just let things slide. Even now, I’m so tired. I’m pushing until tomorrow what I should’ve done today and I’m already a month behind.

I know the best way to change a habit is through small steps. As small as necessary.

The problem I’m having is sticking to my plans when I feel awful. That’s when the pizza gets ordered and the exercises don’t get done. I’m just so tired. My leg hurts and my lungs hurt and all I want to do is sleep. I’m not even sure I should push myself or if I just give in for another day. Of course I know the answer is to just a small amount. Even walking in place for one minute is better than nothing. It’s a small step in the right direction at least.

How do you stick to your healthy habits?

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Uncertain IV

99% of the time, I have no idea what to write about. What do I want to do with this blog? It’s supposed to be a place I come to dump out my brain because there is so much going on in there and I need to let it out. I hope that others can relate a bit and enjoy what I’ve written, but it does add an extra layer of doubt.

99% of the time, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m just faking it until I make it and hoping no one notices.

Uncertain III

It’s not the big picture that frightens me as much as each little daily snapshot. The little uncertainties. Will I have to sleep for 16 hours? Will I be able to get myself to my appointments on time? How will I feel tomorrow? How will I feel later on today?

All these questions weigh on me. They weigh me down.

But I make plans anyway. I *push through*. I say “fuck you” to uncertainty. I try to make my life as certain as I can.

I try not to overcommit myself. It’s hard when there are so many lovely directions to get pulled in.

I suppose I’d rather not live a certain life, predicting every twist and turn. A little uncertainty can be delicious.

Man, I’m hungry.

I’m on clear fluids prepping for a last minute colonoscopy tomorrow.

Talk about uncertainty, I got a phone call and had to start prepping right away.

Surprise!

Cancel a conflicting appointment, start fasting, start this whole ghastly process with the pooping and the crying and the pooping some more.

Twenty-four hours to go.

I want to stuff my face with potato pizza.

I want all the perogies in the world!

I wanna be sedated.

Yeah, time for a nap.

 

Uncertain II

There are things I can change and things I can adapt to.

Sometimes, those adaptations have to happen at lightning speed.

Sometimes, it gets real uncomfortable and painful and I don’t want to fucking do it at all. I’d rather hide in the bathtub forever and ever than have to deal with whatever shit those fucking chimpanzees are flinging at my head today.

Yeah, sometimes I wanna give up. But I don’t. Because I can say there are things I can’t change, but the truth is there are things I can change and things I can adapt to. Just a little shift and I’m back in control.

It’s not easy peasy but nothing worth doing is.

Uncertain

Uncertainty. Not knowing what to expect. This is a running joke written by the writer of my life. They’re on a typewriter in the rain, chuckling quietly to themselves every time they throw in a lupus or a polyp or the death of a friend.

They laugh and I live it.

Uncertainty is inherent in my diseases, including the disease of general life. We all live with it. It hovers above us all. It just feels so ever-present to me. It’s like a cloud above me, ready to rain down at any point. And I ignore it, trying to get on with my day, but it’s there and I’ve forgotten my umbrella yet again.

Ugh, does this even make any sense?

My therapist suggested uncertainty as a blog topic, so I’m trying to write but it’s so hard.

The words are stilted and I’ve been working on this for nearly 45 minutes. I go make coffee, come back. Get breakfast, come back. Write a sentence, feel nauseated, but keep coming back.

Keep coming back, Kaarina.

Keep coming back.

 

Don’t Wanna

Ok, so I’m avoiding cleaning. I know I have to do it. I have a friend staying over this weekend for my birthday. Still, blah, I don’t wanna. For the first time in awhile, my calendar is blissfully blank today. Scrubbing up shower scuzz is much less appealing than going out for a walk or even just watching Netflix all day.

How do you stay motivated when you just don’t wanna?

I tend to do 15 minute spurts. 15 minutes of cleaning, or exercise, or whatever it is I just don’t feel like doing. Fifteen minutes goes by so quick these days, but it can be plenty of time to get something done.

Ugh, time to take my own advice again and scrub up that shower scuzz. Later!