It’s not the big picture that frightens me as much as each little daily snapshot. The little uncertainties. Will I have to sleep for 16 hours? Will I be able to get myself to my appointments on time? How will I feel tomorrow? How will I feel later on today?
All these questions weigh on me. They weigh me down.
But I make plans anyway. I *push through*. I say “fuck you” to uncertainty. I try to make my life as certain as I can.
I try not to overcommit myself. It’s hard when there are so many lovely directions to get pulled in.
I suppose I’d rather not live a certain life, predicting every twist and turn. A little uncertainty can be delicious.
Man, I’m hungry.
I’m on clear fluids prepping for a last minute colonoscopy tomorrow.
Talk about uncertainty, I got a phone call and had to start prepping right away.
Cancel a conflicting appointment, start fasting, start this whole ghastly process with the pooping and the crying and the pooping some more.
Twenty-four hours to go.
I want to stuff my face with potato pizza.
I want all the perogies in the world!
I wanna be sedated.
Yeah, time for a nap.