Yesterday was a busy day. I had a workshop and then a writers’ group. Both of these things are important for my mental health.
The workshops allow me to give back and contribute in a meaningful way. They let me help. Also, they keep me connected to other people. I’m not exactly the most social of butterflies. They give me those hits of short term connections. And I’m always learning from other people there. I love my workshops.
My writing group is also important to me. It’s an outlet where I get to be creative and introspective in a room full of people doing the same. It lets me practice my writing skills. Basically what we do is write for 10-15 minutes, whatever comes out comes out. It’s different when it’s structured like that versus being at home alone. Here there are a million distractions, including in my own head.
I’m trying to write a book. I don’t know what it’s about yet, though. But I figure it’s about damn time I write it.
Let me start out by saying that I’m a peer leader for chronic pain and chronic disease self management. I know a thing or two about healthy habits. And yet here I am, still in bed hiding from the storm, with half a pizza beside me.
Do as I say, not as I do.
I understand the way to change habits, but I’ve been so sick this year that I’ve really just let things slide. Even now, I’m so tired. I’m pushing until tomorrow what I should’ve done today and I’m already a month behind.
I know the best way to change a habit is through small steps. As small as necessary.
The problem I’m having is sticking to my plans when I feel awful. That’s when the pizza gets ordered and the exercises don’t get done. I’m just so tired. My leg hurts and my lungs hurt and all I want to do is sleep. I’m not even sure I should push myself or if I just give in for another day. Of course I know the answer is to just a small amount. Even walking in place for one minute is better than nothing. It’s a small step in the right direction at least.
99% of the time, I have no idea what to write about. What do I want to do with this blog? It’s supposed to be a place I come to dump out my brain because there is so much going on in there and I need to let it out. I hope that others can relate a bit and enjoy what I’ve written, but it does add an extra layer of doubt.
99% of the time, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m just faking it until I make it and hoping no one notices.
It’s not the big picture that frightens me as much as each little daily snapshot. The little uncertainties. Will I have to sleep for 16 hours? Will I be able to get myself to my appointments on time? How will I feel tomorrow? How will I feel later on today?
All these questions weigh on me. They weigh me down.
But I make plans anyway. I *push through*. I say “fuck you” to uncertainty. I try to make my life as certain as I can.
I try not to overcommit myself. It’s hard when there are so many lovely directions to get pulled in.
I suppose I’d rather not live a certain life, predicting every twist and turn. A little uncertainty can be delicious.
Man, I’m hungry.
I’m on clear fluids prepping for a last minute colonoscopy tomorrow.
Talk about uncertainty, I got a phone call and had to start prepping right away.
Cancel a conflicting appointment, start fasting, start this whole ghastly process with the pooping and the crying and the pooping some more.
There are things I can change and things I can adapt to.
Sometimes, those adaptations have to happen at lightning speed.
Sometimes, it gets real uncomfortable and painful and I don’t want to fucking do it at all. I’d rather hide in the bathtub forever and ever than have to deal with whatever shit those fucking chimpanzees are flinging at my head today.
Yeah, sometimes I wanna give up. But I don’t. Because I can say there are things I can’t change, but the truth is there are things I can change and things I can adapt to. Just a little shift and I’m back in control.